The five most painful musical moments of 2011
5
Dubstep
There's nothing inherently wrong with dubstep. It's an interesting genre and, executed well, it's actually pretty enjoyable. The problem is, guys, you've all been hemorrhaging crappy dime-a-dozen tracks in the genre without any care to the composition. Sure, a few of you are really taking the effort to make this work. We appreciate it. But for everyone else: please stop writing dubstep music solely to remain relevant to the modern pop music scene. If you're going to do it, do it well, and then we won't all be collectively sick of hearing it.
4
"Party Rock Anthem"
Look, LMFAO. We need to have a chat. No one here wants to listen to obnoxious synth lines and watch you do the Melbourne shuffle over a thinly veiled 28 Days Later parody. Even less do we want to hear the rest of your chaff-filled album. And honestly, it's not just because your music is terrible; it's because you'd have a hard time beating a cardboard cutout of Mick Jagger in terms of stage presence. Quite honestly, there is nothing redeeming about experiencing your band in any way, unless you count internal bleeding as a positive. Honestly, we're getting pretty close to considering it.
3
Adrenaline Mob
You're breaking our hearts, Portnoy. You're a wonderful, talented musician. We want to see you succeed. You had some issues with Dream Theater? That's fine, buddy. Dust it off and pick yourself up again. You're still a VIP in the progressive world. You know what, we're even fine if you want to record straight-up hard rock or heavy metal. Whatever floats your boat. Just, please, once you have an all-star lineup behind you and the chance to record the album of a lifetime, make sure you take a moment, evaluate what you have, and do it well. Don't churn out a tripe album like your debut EP. You have a chance to do something amazing with these musicians; please take the time to do your first full-length album well.
2
Lulu
Okay, we get it. You're hipper and more cultured than the rest of us, Metallica. Look at you, palling up with Lou Reed and producing an album only a masochist could enjoy. If that makes you happy, by all means, please do so. But don't cower behind the 'avant-garde' label. Don't go into interviews with tears in your eyes about how beautiful of an album it is. Just admit that it's music you wanted to make regardless of how good it actually is, and we'll be happy. It's not the fact that you made such a terrible album that bothers us. It's the fact that you willfully ignore all of the critical feedback to it that makes us believe you are stuck in your own delusional fantasyland. We were fine with Death Magnetic--at least that was a step back in the right direction. But for the love of god, if you don't release something spectacular after Lulu, we're done.
1
"Friday"
You know what? There are no excuses for this one. We all weep for Rebecca Black's no doubt troubled future, dealing with perpetual social alienation from her peers as she gets older.
Words: Matthew Sarah
