This past weekend we celebrated Memorial Day. In my world this is the first long weekend of the summer and it is spent in our yard grilling and drinking to excess. On that front, there's nothing really to report. We spent the weekend with our usual shenanigans that happen every weekend during the warm months in Michigan. To be completely honest, we do this during the cold months too. And the in-between months. Crap. We'll take any excuse to justify hanging out, listening to music, and laughing at each other. I guess that kinda knocks the piss out of the whole concept of a "holiday."
Anyways, we were hanging out in my yard all weekend. Friends floated in and out. Our friend Chad happened by. Interesting guy, our friend Chad. This young man is going blind. When he looks at his phone it is about an inch from his face. He has the blind man/Daredevil cane. He is on government disability and, I can assure you, that is as crippling as his condition itself. But despite these things, Chad is capable of being one of the most positive bastards out there. He is probably one of the most "punk rock" people I know. He's not one of these run of the mill punks, piss bitching and moaning about how the government is a sham. He's not here to start a war. He's not here to fight the system. The system picked a fight with him, and he's just trying to navigate through their bullshit red tape so that he might be able to eek out a modest yet peaceful existence. This guy opened his door the other week to a fully geared up SWAT Team at 2am due to his neighbors across the hall trading gunshots. This is the kind of stuff that my friend Chad puts up with on the regular.
Chad "Showtime" Shultz is a funny guy. Literally. He's a comedian. You wanna hear some quality comedy? Listen to this guy tell a true story about his life. That's where Chad and I connect. Our real lives are so hilarious that we don't need to embellish the facts. The story stands on its own. Not only is Chad a comedian, he also is an announcer for regional wrestling events. Read that again. My nearly blind friend is the ringside announcer for a regional wrestling organization. I'm as baffled as you! How does a guy who has to read his phone two inches from his face call a WWE style wrestling match from the side of the ring??? I've never wanted to ask because A] I'm not rude (most times) and B] The truth would ruin the myth. Kind of like finding out how a magician's trick works. I want this guy to write for Scene Point Blank. I think he deserves a regular column. I should figure out if I have any connections over there...
ANYWAYS...I'm in my yard with buds. Chad wanders in the yard and proceeds to lie out on a blanket between two of our cute female friends and with the two pups. This blind bastard walks in and takes the best seat in the house, like a boss. Like it was his birthright. Who am I to argue with a blind guy? So Chad and I start talking. We actually talk about him writing for an online publication. We talk about throwing him another benefit show to raise some cash to help him move out of the war zone he calls an apartment building. We talk about how the traditional path to being a comedian is bullshit, and how he should just be punk rock about it and book gigs in non-traditional venues and how the gatekeepers of comedy are morons and small-minded idiots. We talked about so many things. While we were talking, I had an itch on the bottom of my foot, between the ball and the heel. Could have been a mosquito bite or something. I was barefoot in the yard. It's my holiday weekend. Lucky I was wearing pants at all to be honest.
So I'm in my favorite camping chair, just having a fun conversation with my blind friend Chad, and itching my foot on something gnarly that I imagine is a stick or maybe a walnut. After 15 minutes of pure itching bliss, I decided I needed to investigate what object was causing so much bliss in my life. I moved my foot to the side, leaned forward in my seat, and adjusted my glasses to inspect this thing that was giving me such pleasure.
It was petrified dog shit left from winter.
So there I was, rolling my itchy foot on a medium sized piece of dried up dog shit. Sigh. F my life. I informed my small audience of what had just happened as to give them the best laugh of the weekend. Then I hobbled up the stairs to my bathroom to wash off the poo from my foot and maybe a wee bit of the shame too. I returned to a crew of ding dongs smiling and laughing hysterically that the elder of the group just itched himself with dog poop. It was totally worth it. I love getting a laugh out of my friends at my own expense. I'm just here to spread cheer. I wish I could say that the poop was the funniest thing that happened all weekend, but it wasn't...
The funniest thing that happened all weekend was unknowingly rolling my itchy bare foot on another piece of dog shit 20 minutes later. That was absolutely funnier. The moral of the story? Not even the blind comedian ended up stepping in dog poo. Strive to be like the blind comedian and not the gnarly old punk guy. If that's not a life lesson, I don't know what life is.
Go follow Chad on Instagram!
