Top Five Reasons Why Bear Grylls Is The Baddest Motherfucker Alive
Being a strict vegetarian and believer in animal rights, it would seem pretty odd to praise a man that makes part of his living killing and eating animals. However, Bear Grylls is, simply put, the biggest badass on the face of the Earth, and I have to respect that. It took the man eighteen months to recover from a parachuting accident that almost paralyzed him, and then he climbed Mt. Everest a few years later. He met his wife while skinny-dipping in Scotland. Hell, the dude squeezed elephant shit into his mouth for moisture. The only person that could possibly be cooler than Bear Grylls is Bruce Willis smoking a cigarette and telling everyone to shut up because of his bad hangover in Die Hard With a Vengeance. However, there's one exception: John McClain isn't real; Bear Grylls is.
- His name is Bear - I couldn't care less if Bear isn't actually his real name. There are two things I associate with the word bear. The first is the animal that mauls yuppy campers to shreds, something that I couldn't back harder. The second is a Serbian I work with named Bear, a huge jolly man that brags about drinking thirty beers in one sitting and enjoys singing, "I Believe I Can Fly" at work in his thick accent. Anything or anyone that reminds me of these things is a winner in my book.
- Keeping hydrated - As stated above, while stranded in the African safari, Bear squeezes together elephant dung in order to get the liquid and stay hydrated. In another episode, Bear drinks his own urine. Was it more than a half hour into the show? No. Was it necessary? No. Was it fucking awesome? Yes.
- Keeping nourished - Vegetarian or not, I have no problem watching Bear kill animals and eat them. Anyone that is cool enough to eat an Alaskan salmon raw after catching it with a makeshift spear, or badass enough to carry around a live snake for the sole fact of wanting to eat it later gets my approval. They don't even have to be alive either, as Bear had no problem finding a half eaten zebra and finishing off the job himself, getting on all fours and tearing at the flesh with his teeth. Bear Grylls is a proudly raised middle finger to morals and ethics.
- His good look and charm - I'm an active member of the heterosexual lifestyle, but seriously, Bear is fucking dreamy. Enough said.
- He is responsible for the coolest fucking thing ever - In a recent New York Times interview, Bear talks about the closest he has ever come to disaster while filming for the show. Faced with minus-thirty degree temperatures and limited visibility, Bear almost had to call for help. However, he found a dead deer carcass, skinned it, and slept in it to survive the night. Jesus Christ, that's awesome. If I could go out for ice cream with Bear and that mountain climber that cut his arm off with a pocket knife to survive, and just listen to them talk, I would be the happier than that snake that had the privilege of letting Mr. Grylls smash its head against a rock and use it for food.
It has recently come to my attention that Bear Grylls allegedly sleeps in hotels during the filming of Man vs. Wild. I simply refuse to believe these accusations. And if they are true, I still don't care. O.J. killed two people and got away with it, Bear Grylls can sleep in a Hilton for all I care, as long as he wakes up in the morning and kills a rabbit with a stick I'm still happy.
(Cory)
Top Five Most Anticipated Albums For The Remainder Of 2007
- Coalesce- Salt & Passage (Second Nature)
The first new recordings from this enigma since 0:12 Revolution in Just Listening came out in 1999. Their impact on heavy music is undeniable (thank them for all of this oddly timed noise) and releasing something new after so long an absence may result in some real good songs that show why they were the innovators or some pale imitation of their former selves. Either way, it is sure to be a wild record.
- Black Cross- Severance Pays (Auxiliary)
Four Years...four years is way too long for this criminally underrated outfit to go since their last full-length; sorry, the EP and the 7" don't fully count in my book. With a bit of lineup shuffling, Black Cross will be returning with a record that I am anticipating a great deal. Their brand of DC inspired hardcore has been sorely missed the last couple of years.
- Cursed- III (Goodfellow)
One thing is certain. Cursed consistently writes good records. Politically challenging, dark, angry records that aim only to crush listeners. I can't wait; maybe that's a bit masochistic, but I don't care.
- Coliseum- No Salvation (Relapse)
Goddamage was my personal record of the year two years ago. This has a lot to live up to in that regard, but I have hope after seeing the new songs a bunch already. New drummer Chris Maggio is a sight to behold when playing and this will be his first full-length recording with the band. This is shaping up to be pretty powerful.
- Jesu/ Battle of Mice split (Robotic Empire)
Justin Broadrick may yet convince me that he is a musical genius. He pumps out some of the best music like it takes no effort. With Conqueror already my front runner for album of the year, it is constantly making my mouth water for more Jesu. Battle of Mice is a side project of Red Sparowes and Made Out of Babies. Their debut album, A Day of Nights was a surprise and completely unexpected. This record will be an interesting pairing.
(Bob)
