Old Man Gloom
1. What are your top five albums that were released in 2017? (In order 1-5)
Old Man Gloom, while in a Hyundai Elantra hatchback, moving from one undisclosed location to another, received a "2017 wrap up" press request. The following is what occurred. All names have been changed to protect the individuals involved in this conversation.
All members staring at phones in silence.
Blantos: we got some "2017 wrap up" interview thing.
Blate: From who?
Blantos: Scene Point Blank.
Blate: the fuck is that?
Blantos: I have no idea, and I have no idea how they have my email.
Blaleb: the first problem is that you have email in the first place. Thats how they track you. Thats how they watch you, idiot.
Blantos: I actually pretty much televise every single thing I do on Facebook to anyone thats remotely interested in Old Man Gloom, so what the fuck do I care if they email me?
Blaaron: Facebook isn't television. You aren't "televising" anything. You're just writing so that people will pay attention to you. Because no one in real life pays attention to you. You aren't on television.
Blantos: It's on a tiny screen. Just like a television.
Blate: SO this interview, the one you got on your tiny television, using your stupid logic, is how this started. Can we just do that so we don't have to talk about your Facebook habit?
Blaleb: Yes. I'd prefer talking about television than Facebook.
Blaaron: Don't you guys know? Facebook is on television according to Blantos.
Blantos: If you guys keep ganging up on me, i'll write about it on Facebook. It's a win win for me.
Blate: I'll give you a thousand dollars if you don't say "Facebook" for 24 hours.
Blaleb: I'll do it. Can I get a thousand dollars?
Blate: You don't even know what Facebook is.
Blaleb: And i don't subscribe to your bullshit make believe gold based economy, so keep your money. I'll do it for a spiral cut ham.
Blantos: OK. Let's do this interview. first question:
What are your top five albums that were released in 2017? (In order 1-5)
Blate: Sumac's most recent record. I think it's called "art notes."
Blaaron: Whatever albums we list, Converge is OBVIOUSLY number one. I mean, they're LEGENDS.
Blate: Oh, why THANK you Blaaron. So kind.
Blantos: Sounds perfect. I'll just round out the list with the 13 ambient noise project albums Aaron released with whatever dildo crawled onto his private island.
Blaleb: Fuck yeah. That's one thing Blaaron did right. Off the grid. When the shit hits the fan, you'll take up arms and defend the island. I may join you.
Blaaron: I don't...I...Sure Blaleb. Whatever. I own a private island. An island of dildos.
Blantos: I would love to summer on the island of dildos. Sounds enchanting.
Blate: Next question.
2. What band did you discover in 2017 (can be a brand new band or an older band) that had an impact on your life? What made them significant?
Blantos: Carly Rae Jepsen.
Blaaron: Agreed.
Blate: Third agree.
Blaleb: Fourth.
Blantos: Great. We're getting somewhere.
Next question.
3. How will you remember 2017? (In terms of music)
Blaaron/Blate/Blaleb: Carly Rae Jepsen.
Blantos: ok. Next.
4. What can we look forward to from you in 2018?
Blantos: I think we can all agree that what most people can expect is that I'll keep being hilarious, and you'll all be in your real bands. Except Blaleb, I think he'll probably be living in a Guatemalan jungle if I had to guess.
Blaleb: There's still a war going on, and those people need me. Don't joke. I'm basically a god to them. A wrathful god who is awesome with a Bo staff.
Blate: I think i'll be busy with Converge, and busy ignoring the Old Man Gloom text thread that Blantos is the only one who relentlessly abuses. I'll also be not reading the self indulgent shit he writes on...that web site.
Blaaron: I'll also be NOT paying attention to Blantos, and I will make art. Something no one else in this car does. Except maybe Blaleb, as his art is war, apparently. When did you become a guerrilla? I thought you were a contractor?
Blaleb: The less you know the safer you are. And you should put some tape over the camera on your laptops.
5. What records are you looking forward to most in 2018?
Blantos: I think its safe to say NOT an Old Man Gloom record, right?
Blate: Hell no.
Blaaron: I mean, you guys can write songs if you want. I'm not going to.
Blaleb: I'm thinking of just not making music ever again. Thats how they read your thoughts man. Through the tunes. Seriously. It's real.
Blantos: This is a terrible set of questions. I mean, we're doing a bad job, but this is truly terrible.
Blaaron: I think we're doing an amazing job. This is fucking important shit. People need to know what we think of dildo island!
Blate: I'm hungry. I want to go to Cracker Barrel.
Blaleb: I usually won't eat at a corporate shit hole, but I could fuck up an "Uncle Herschel's favorite" right now.
Blaaron: Fine, but no peg game. We can't go through that again.
Blantos: There's one more question.
6. For most, 2017 will be remembered as a year of political and social conflict. How does that cultural atmosphere influence your own music or artistic life?
Blate: 2017 was like butt fucking.
Blantos: Uuuuuuh boy.
Blate: Seriously. It's like, some people really like it, some people really don't like it, but either way, it's pretty intense. That's 2017. No middle ground in butt fucking.
Blaaron: You can't answer with that. For one thing, I hope to never hear anyone say "butt fucking" ever again.
Blaleb: You just said it.
Blaaron: Thank you Caleb. And second, it doesn't work. It's an awful analogy.
Blantos: I don't know. It's not that bad. I would say anal sex instead of butt fucking.
Blate: Anal sex can be very intimate. Butt fucking is not. I think the analogy works better with butt--
Blaaron: STOP. Don't say it again. No more saying it. It's a terrible analogy, and it's a terrible phrase. And I don't want to hear about your intimate anal sex.
Blantos: He didn't say he had intimate anal sex. I mean, it was implied, but he didn't say it.
Blate: I basically said it. And basically meant it.
Blaleb: I'm torn. I think the analogy kinda works, but the phrase is terrible, and I hate it. Can we try something else?
Blantos: Why don't we just simplify it and say "2017 sucked because Trump is butt fucking the entire country."
Blaaron: I'm actually fine with that, in that context. You have my blessing.
Blate: Agreed.
Blaleb: Agreed.
Blate: Exit 21c is Cracker Barrel.
At the Cracker Barrel, Blaaron and Blaleb got into a scuffle over the legitimacy over a table peg game victory. The entire party was removed from the Cracker Barrel. Cracker Barrel has ignored repeated attempts to comment on the incident.
