Top 5 Things That Sucked (For Some) in 2006
Quick links: Top 5 DVDs | Most Anticipated Albums of 2007 | Reasons The Fresh Prince was awesome | Top 5 Singles | Big Comebacks of 2006 | Top 5 Shows | Top 5 Things That Sucked | Top 5 Things That Ruled | Noteworthy Songs | Top Reissues | Reasons the BBC Is Killing UK Music | Top 5 Vinyl-Only Releases | Worst Cover Art | Band Tour Stories
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The Arctic Monkeys
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Arrested Development Cancelled
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NME
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Snakes on a Plane: The Hype
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The Death of James Brown
"We sing about hookers! Daring references to electro pop! Look how gosh-darn cheeky we are! What's that, you say, The Jam for retards? No! Surely not us! We're Arctic Monkeys! Our name is so shit it's brilliant! Listen to our guitars jangle! Oooh, there's a bit of fuzz there! Isn't it great how we give the impression that we could be any generic pub-rock band from the 70s, despite being young enough to barely remember Ed the Duck?
What's that you say? No? Why ever not? We fill the post-Strokes vacuous rip-off-rock niche ever so well though!"
Fuck The Arctic Monkeys. And fuck The Fratellis as well. I'd give them the award for "Worst Band of 2006" for sounding exactly like an inferior, even more cynical version of an already terrible band, but not enough people care about them, so that honor goes to those genuine Northern scum bags, The Arctic Monkeys.
Rupert Murdoch got moved up my hit list this year - obviously, the scoundrel was already on it - for allowing this gem to go under. What the fuck is wrong with you, you syphilitic old wart? Was the Emmy not enough for you? Was the fact that this was one of the best US comedies of recent years not enough? What did you want? What could you possibly want? Senile old cretin. I hope that when the workers eventually rise up, that they eat you first. There just aren't enough profanities to suitably articulate my rage.
Aahh, NME. They put The Horrors on the front cover. Attempted to take credit for The Arctic Monkeys. Named The Arctic Monkeys album as one of the best British albums of all time. Placed The Stone Roses' debut album above The Queen is Dead on the same list. Continued to deep throat Pete Doherty before admitting that not even they could pretend to think he was somehow a worthwhile human being any more. And don't even get me started on "The Cool List" fiasco. Fuck it, I'll just leave it to Lily Allen to lambaste them - she has a way with words.
Yeah, okay, we all laughed when we heard. Well, once we got over our disbelief, that is. Snakesâ?¦ onâ?¦ a plane? I need not waste my time going into detail, because if you're reading this and have somehow not heard of Snakes on a Plane, then you're probably my mother, and I am not not explaining this shit to you again, Mum. Needless to say though, if you've spent any amount of time surfing the Internet this past year, then you will have witnessed the horrific mountain of hype surrounding this movie. I'm sure I even heard my Dad say "Motherfucker" at one point, and you know that's when things are getting ridiculous.
Still, it all reached saturation point, and that shit ain't good, as anyone who's ever heard/read the phrase "All your base are belong to us" can attest to. People genuinely intrigued by this movie were now in a position of having to hold their collective e-breaths until the film was released this summer. Did it turn out good? Well, that would be telling...
Christmas Day this year was considerably less funky than it should have been, and not just because I'd eaten too much turkey to get my groove on without succumbing to a stitch, but because "The Godfather of Soul," James Brown, passed a way in the early hours of the morning. I'm sure many people were also touched by Lindsey Lohan's heartfelt tribute to director Robert Altman, who died in November after complications from leukemia. Well done, Lindsey, the letter was uhâ?¦ well written.
(Marc)
