1. Antony and the Johnsons - I Am a Bird Now
Oops. I'm really sorry we missed this. We all should be, because any staff
member could have written this review. Enough of us put the album on our list
to make it our 6th favorite album of the year. Six is a pretty high number, you
guys.
2. Animal Collective - Feels
Hey, don't look at me, this band still pisses me off.
3. Deerhoof - The Runners Four
Deerhoof's latest was a jumble of squeaky half-Japanese, jerky song writing,
and balls-in-your-face rock. And this was them at their most accessible. Satomi
Matsuzaki messes around with the endearingly bizarre freaky pop that's
cute and culturally motivated. Which makes her like Gwen Stefani, only not full
of shit.
4. Common - Be
Three years after the questionable Electric Circus, Common
came back with a vengeance. A beautiful, glorious vengeance. Kanye produced this,
but that isn't what makes it so good. It's the soul that Common inflicts
upon each song. And his optimism. And his honesty. A lot of girls like this album.
Currently, we only have three girls on staff, so I guess this makes sense.
5. Caribou - The Milk of Human Kindness
For any electronic artist aiming for eclecticism, there's a fine line to
be walked between DJ Shadow country and Moby zone. Dan Snaith has managed to
avoid the line altogether. Good for him! By assimilating elements of hip-hop,
pop, and folk into his electronic database, the artist formerly known as Manitoba
produced one of Canada's finest exports of 2005. No wonder you didn't
hear it.
- Giles
1. The Observers - Where I Stay (Deranged)
The Observers perfected what so many bands try to do: combining melodic upbeat
punk rock with meaningful lyrics while not sounding watered down or too serious/textbook.
The two songs on this 7" are a testament to an overlooked band that someday will
be looked back on as classic.
2. Ceremony - Ruined (Malfunction)
After releasing the best demo of 2005, Ceremony continued the moment with "Ruined." If
you were surrounded by zombies ready to tear the skin off your bones and you
like Panic/Negative Approach, "Ruined" is what your brain would sound like as
it became main course. Pack your fist full of seven inches and take a swing at
your record player, lolz.
3. This Is Hell - s/t (State of Mind)
Someone needs to give me directions to this supposed Hell that the members of
This Is Hell dwell in, because frankly, it's molten temperatures create some
good fucking music. If this is what nightmares sound like, I'm obviously not
getting enough sleep. With a full length coming out on Trustkill in May, expect
an album to land on best of 2006 lists.
4. Sabertooth Zombie - The Only Good Politician Is A Dead Politician (Self-Released)
Somewhere between the sleeplessly insane, Northern California and a fist full
of spikes is Sabertooth Zombie. This is the kind of EP where when someone listens
to it they like it, but it doesn't get the hype or respect it deserves for whatever
reason. Now you have no excuse. Whether you like to listen to, mosh to your or
conduct mayhem to your music, Sabertooth Zombie is packed with what you need.
With a seven minute song to be released in 2006 on Stick To Your Guns as a split
with Tiger Uppercut, color me stoked.
5. Dangers - s/t (Old Guard)
When you rise above the ridiculous controversy caused by a single song this record,
you'll find six more songs equally brimming with ideas. And although there isn't
any real musical innovation, Dangers doesn't sound like any particular band.
If you're anything like me, this is a good thing.
6. Takaru - Final 7" (Self-Released)
After releasing two splits and a full length, Takaru broke up and gave us one
last recording. Instead of rehashing, Takaru lets in on their heaviest and most
progressive pieces. Weaving in and out of the brazen sound is the occasional
melodic harmony and ever constant pertinant political lyrical content. But don't
worry, 4/5 of the members started a new band, Burial Year, that is reminscent
of this 7".
7. Haymaker - Lost Tribe EP (Deranged)
If anger is the key, then Haymaker is the locksmith. This is what Infest would
sound like if they were slower, Canadian and and a bit heavier. Even though they
have a song that makes fun of zines and bands trying to appease critics, this
critic is definitely a fan. Fans of Jesus and the United States should go elsewhere.
8. No Dice - Suffer (625 Thrash)
This is the soundtrack to exploding veins and gutted throats. Bay area kids find
roots in power violence, playing fast and playing heavy. You can circle pit your
way to a hypnotic state of balls-out-face-through-the-glass-times in a few revolutions.
While this 7" is the same as the demo, by no means is that bad news.
9. Sinking Ships - Meridian (Run For Cover)
After Revelation ends their hiatus on releasing hardcore, you know the band's
got to be special. Well, Sinking Ships plays melodic hardcore with introvertive
lyrics in a NW style. Since no song on this is anywhere near bad, it'd be hard
for Sinking Ships to...sink in 2006.
10. Comadre - Songs About The Man (Blood Town)
Filled with the punk/hardcore spirit and letting it out in unconventional ways,
Comadre goes to show that it's okay to use more than power chords to get the
point across. Their influences of 90s post hardcore mixed with other styles of
rock provides for an excuse to turn on your stereo. If you don't have a record
player, Comadre's own Blood Town Records has repressed the EP on compact disc.
- Zed
1. Daggermouth
Came out of nowhere for me in 2005. I intially discovered them
via a message board post involving Feeding Frenzy Records. Soon after I pre-ordered
the band's debut LP Stallone, and listened to the tracks
on their myspace daily. Daggermouth just flat out rules. Get into it! Yo!!
Check the band out here: www.myspace.com/daggermouth
2. The Twilight Collective
Featuring one-time member of Shai Hulud, Matt Canning, TTC have
created a perfect mix of hardcore's agression, metalcore's guitar licks, and
pop punk's sense of melody. The band currently only has a demo available. Watch
for a full length on Textbook Music in 2006! To indulge yourself and sing along
go to www.myspace.com/thetwilightcollective
3. Crimes Of Passion
Crimes Of Passion are a melodic hardcore/metalcore band hailing
from Dunkirk, New York. These guys have a real knack for songwriting, and it
shows on the bands 3 song demo. Currently on a small tour, the band plan to
record an offial ep in the coming months. You can find the boys on myspace
at www.myspace.com/crimesofpassion
4. Years From Now
Think Florida's younger, scrappier, version of Grey Area. Give
these dudes some time, and they will definitely be going places with their
style of punk rock. If you didn't know any better, you might think Years From
Now came from "the swamps of New Jersey." They just have that sincere, urgent
sound you might associate with so many bands from the Garden State. Listen
to songs from the bands demo at www.myspace.com/yearsfromnowfl
5. First To Leave
Saves The Day-Sound The Alarm came out in 2005? Oh, shit my bad,
it's First To Leave! Coming up from California, First To Leave bring a nice
mix of A New Found Glory and Early Saves The Day thrown into a blender. Labelmates
with the afformentioned Daggermouth on Feeding Frenzy, the band have recorded
a demo 7" and just released a teaser ep for their upcoming full length record.
You can find out more about First To Leave at www.myspace.com/firsttoleave
- Josh
Throughout 2005 I've watched the "independent" music
scene more as an outsider then as a participant. I seize to play in a band,
do a label, or run a distro, and rarely go to shows anymore (the only one of
which is a product of my geographical location). Maybe this is because as we
get older we remove ourselves from things in our life that seem petty and frivolous
and begin to focus on the important things (This is not saying I don't
miss my involvement, don't get me wrong). Regardless, I continue to be
as much of a part of the 'scene' as I can stomach and I continue
to support bands and labels I enjoy. The following Top 5 list consists of five
principle reasons I see the scene as a parody of itself and why I've
removed myself from the gears of the beast in 05'.
(In no particular order)
1. Myspace
Most everyone that has been a part of the dare-I-say 'indie' music
community has had either a band profile or a personal one. With an onslaught
of media coverage recently relating to murders, rapes, child pornography and
a most insipid record label it's hard not to be familiar with the Internet's
not-so-secret garden. I almost feel like I can rest on the fact that murder
and child pornography are occurring because of this website but it seems like
the music community is suffering a bigger blow in the quality of music being
produced by the kids on these sites. One cannot browse for music without coming
across, gender bending mosh metal, or meandering and mediocre 'heartfelt
and honest' rock music. Yes, there are good bands that are using Myspace.
But, I'm sure they'd be hard pressed not to say that it is a necessary
evil in the hyper-culture that we are living in. I only ask that you please
use Myspace accordingly if you're a musician. If your intent is to augment
your love life, leave the music to musicians.
2. Irony
Oh, the sardonic humor the young people of today embrace! The
mustaches, grandpa and grandma clothes, black on pink screen-printing, insincerely
enjoying a style of music (i.e. those people listening to Iron Maiden and Manowar,
you know...), wearing girls jeans when you are actually a boy (get it?),
and the 80's (possibly the soul source of many peoples personalities)
haven't we gotten enough of these things through pop culture, television
and mainstream movies? Haven't we been creative victim's to these
aphid-like institutions long enough not to give into them? Oh, the irony of
it all!
3. The Lack of Regular People
I can't remember the last time I went to a show and saw
another regular guy or girl who was sincerely into the music going on. Can
you? The last time I looked around I saw myself in a sea of propaganda-fueled-activists
(crimethinc crusties), Audrey Hepburn look-alikes, Transgender stick figures,
and muscle bound tough guys. Don't get me wrong; this is not an attack
on fashion (that comes later), but rather the fact that you are hard pressed
to find a regular guy or girl at a show that just enjoys the music and doesn't
play into the veritable circus environment surrounding it.
4. Pretension
Have you ever been a regular ass person at a scene party or show
and got the stare down? It's definitely not rare. Some people can't
seem to get over the fact that people, outside of their indie-rock utopias
enjoy the same music as them. And we've all been both on the receiving
and giving end of the 'oh, you haven't heard _______?' conversation,
but we could do without the condescending tone of your voice when we haven't
heard the latest lo-fi pop record that we 'wouldn't get'.
5. Fashion
Who doesn't like a cool t-shirt or a nice new pair of jeans?
Fashion has always been a part of everyday culture and always will. The questions
I ask is when does what bands wear define them more then the music that they
make? Has anyone else noticed the amount of image hocking some of these groups
are doing now? Turn on your television to any youth-oriented channel and you'll
see a couple of sissies dancing around in skirts (I'm not talking about
Nirvana folks) and screaming into their guitar pickups. Dress however you want,
believe me I don't care, but when your music is defined by what kind
of clothes you are wearing it's gone too far. To the bands just playing
music for themselves, I salute you; you're brave to put your image on
the line in front of today's music media.
- Terry
Angels
of Light - New Mother and How I loved You
God bless you Important Records, bringer of much joy and noise
to my life. 2005 saw the release of the first two Angels of Light albums for
the first time of vinyl. New Mother came out first, followed a few months
later by How I loved You, offering Michael Gira fans the much overdue
privilege of listening to these two fine post-Swans records on wax. Pull your
record player up beside your favourite leather seat beside your window, dim
the lights, fix yourself an overly large whisky and enjoy these two fine albums
the way they were meant to be heard. http://www.younggodrecords.com
Boris
- Boris
At Last: Feedbacker
If I was to describe Boris in one word it wouldn't be "slow",
"crushing",
or any other adjective that commonly gets attributed to them, rather I'd call
them Prolific. Seriously, take a look over at the sheer number of releases
Boris have had this year: new albums on Southern Lord and Diwphalanx, Sun Baked
Snow Cave with Merzbow, a trio of limited edition live albums, a dvd, the soundtrack
to Mabuta No Ura, a new 7" on SuperFi... to name but a few. Tack onto this
the fact they are working on several other releases to see the light of day
in the next calendar year. While lovers of Boris appreciate so much new material
to feast our ears on, the sheer amount of records meant that unfortunately
the quality control waned on a few occasions. If you feel a little lost amongst
its all then, fear not, help is at hand: this is the one unbeatably brilliant
thing with Boris's name attached to it that has come out this year. Not to
disparage any of their other releases this year (some have been great), but
nothing comes close to the perfection they produced on Feedbacker. Pink
Floyd who? http://www.inoxia-rec.com/boris/
Neutral
Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane over the Sea
While continuing to be readily available in America through Merge, In
the Aeroplane over the Sea had been unavailable in Europe for sometime
until Domino made the wise decision to re-release this modern classic during
2005. Back in 1997 it was released to some mild acclaim and even more wide
spread ambivalence, but mostly through word of mouth the popularity of In
the Aeroplane Over the Sea continues to grow for the simple reason that
it's one of those rare albums that you can totally, one hundred percent lose
yourself in. From the feedback drenched faster tracks like "Holland, 1945" to
the poinent, heart wrenching pseudo-folk of "Oh Comely" and "Two-Headed Boy
Pt. Two" Jeff Magnum and Co. deliver one of the most rewarding albums of
all time. If this had been released for the first time in 2005, it would
be album of the year. http://neutralmilkhotel.net
Sonic
Youth - Goo [Deluxe Edition]
Continuing on from the beautifully packaged deluxe edition of Dirty back
in 2003, Sonic Youth's major label d�but, Goo, now finds itself undergoing
similar treatment fifteen years after its original release. Still featuring
Raymond Pettibon's sublime neo-1950s pop culture artwork, the deluxe edition
now features in total thirty one tracks over two disc's including some great
b-sides ("The Bedroom", "That's All I Know Right Now") and 8 track demo versions
of the classics ("Tunic (Song for Karen)", "Dirty Boots" etc) that we now all
love along with a plethora of amusing photo's of the band and a rambling essay
by Bryon Coley. Sonic Youth fan boys and girls around the world were left salivating. http://www.sonicyouth.com
Bruce
Springsteen - Born to Run [30th Anniversary Edition]
For most this is one of those albums that need no introduction,
however 2005 was the year that Born to Run and I became very well acquainted.
Sure, I'd heard it before in passing but had always dismissed it in favour
of a half handed "the only Springsteen anyone needs is Nebraska" style remark.
God, I'm a moron, this record is fantastic and I have the 30th anniversary
edition to thank. Two rocking DVD's here but most importantly the eight tracks
which comprise the original album. If I ever actually learn how to drive then
I guarantee I'll blast this on my stereo when I cruise around town looking
to pick up some underagers. "Thunder Road" alone makes this worth owning. http://www.brucespringsteen.net
Honorable
mention: Pageninetynine - Document #8
SPB Review
Official Site: http://www.roboticempire.com
- Neil
1. 108
This band has been sorely missed since they disbanded in 1996
or so. It was great seeing them on a small stage rather than a bloated "hardcore" superfest
like Hellfest. Apparently they are together for the time being and will be
writing new material
Thank Krishna.
2. Coalesce
Yes, they had reuinited previously and have not been absent for
that long, but their return proved one thing. Bands that attempt to mimic their
sound fail miserably. The band has retired this moniker and intend on writing
new music anew.
Amen.
3. Lifetime
Many people have salivated over their return for years. These
guys also shame any and all imitators of their sound. Apparently Lifetime is
going to continue playing shows periodically and a double CD of singles, rarities,
and their mostly out of print 1st full length is on the way in 2006.
Again, amen.
4. Path of Resistance
Lord knows there aren't enough straightedge bands with gang vocals.
A new album is on the way in mid 2006.
5. Integrity
Dwid continues to expand n the deceit and myth that surrounds
this band with half tours and cancelled shows. I only wish the Melnicks would
rejoin the fold.
- Bob
1. "That's hot".
There is nothing worse than hanging out at a party where everyone
is a Paris Hilton wannabe. Face it, Paris Hilton is famous for being famous
and nothing else. She's a dirty little whore who sucks a mean dick. There's
nothing worse than hearing trendy girls in Kelly green tank tops saying, "that's
hot" to everything and anything.
2. "These new jacks don't know anything about hardcore..."
Everyone seems to be down with the old school even though they
are 19. Let me give you a clue, I'm 31 you are all new jacks. You may have
CDR's of Lifetime and 108 CDs but to me you're all new jacks. Stop rehashing
a past you never belonged to in the first place. Here's a clue, everyone into
hardcore wasn't born with a Sick of it All 7" sticking out of your ass so quit
looking for it and pull your heads out your collective rear ends.
3. "Chillax".
A combo of "chill" and "relax". I'm not really sure where this
originated from but I'm blaming the O.C. I've never even seen the O.C. but
I can tell you I hate it already. I also hate anyone that would want to combine
two words the pretty much mean the same thing.
4. Anyone quoting anything from the Chappelle Show that wasn't
on the Chappelle Show.
Hey, frat boy with the pink polo with the collar popped: you
and your drunken ass will never be Dave Chappelle. Running jokes into the ground
is about as fun to listening as dealing with a bout of bird flu contracted
by a herpes infected bar slut that has a pair of "that's hot" boy shorts. So
go fuck your own couch.
5. The word "amazing".
Not every band you hear, see, or witness is amazing. To be amazed
by something means you are in a total state of awe and bemusement. If you are
amazed by everything you see it would be like seeing your wife gives birth
to your first child a billion times a year. That's something amazing. OR seeing
a head-on collision between a Geo Metro and a tractor trailer and everyone
walking away without a scratch is amazing. Seeing Modern Life is War for the
10th time isn't amazing. It may be good, hell it may be darn right memorable.
However, it is far flung from anything that is amazing.
- Jason
1. "George Bush Doesn't Care About Black People"
Natural disasters occurred all across the globe in 2005, but none was more
widely televised than the events leading up to and following Hurricane Katrina.
The powerful storm scored a direct hit on the city of New Orleans, leaving
it in ruins. But it wasn't just the destruction caused by the hurricane
that was making headlines. During a fundraiser on NBC to raise money for relief
efforts, rapper/producer Kanye West spoke loud and clear on why he felt disaster
assistance was lagging. Rather than place blame solely on F.E.M.A., West declared
the help was sluggish because "George Bush doesn't care about black
people." The shocked look on a dumbfounded Mike Myers said it all.
2. The Return of Family Guy
Televisions shows get cancelled all the time. But 2005 was a unique year as
we saw Family Guy returned from multiple cancellations thanks to millions upon
millions of sales in DVD's. It was the first time a show had been resurrected
in such a manner. However, trusting in Fox to keep the resurrected Family Guy
on the air may not be the best thing to do. Recently the head honchos at the
Fox chose to cancel the Emmy-winning Arrested Development. And the best part
is that there was no legitimate reason given, so we are left to assume it's
because they're morons. Keep those fingers crossed.
3. Rockstar INXS
For the most part reality shows are a joke. Sure there are a few diamonds
in the rough, "The Amazing Race" for example, but the vast majority
of them are ridiculous: "The Bachelor," "Wifeswap," and
so on. "American Idol" is even remotely entertaining - mainly the
initial auditions when we get to watch the people that don't know they
can't sing. CBS tweaked the idea by having contestants try out for the
vacant vocal spot of legendary pop/rock group INXS. I was skeptical of the
idea at first, but after one episode I was hooked. These were talented vocalists
competing for a spot with group of proven musicians. It truly was a treat to
watch the likes of Ty, JD, and Marty, among others, perform classic and modern
songs as well as their own selections. Should be interesting to see if the
second season happens, though I am bummed that Van Halen won't be involved.
4. "Lazy Sunday" SNL Skit
Saturday Night Live has been in little bit of a funk in recent years. Though,
admittedly, I haven't really watched consistently since Will Ferrell
left, so my opinion gets labeled with an asterisk. But, after catching a recent
airing and witnessing the "Lazy Sunday" skit in which seasoned
veteran Chris Parnell and new cast member Andy Samburg of The Lonely Island
Comedy Troupe rhyme
about their adventures as they go to see the Chronicles of Narnia, my faith
was rejuvenated. The rhymes they spit are hilarious, but don't let this
take away from the music - any fan of early Beasties and the like will eat
the song up. And if for some reason you've been living under a rock and
have no idea what I am talking about, you can watch
the skit here.
5. Lost
Technically this could have been listed as a 2004 highlight, but since the
later episodes of season one aired in 2005, not to mention the beginning of
season two, it gets the nod for the number five spot. While the general concept
isn't anything new or thrilling - people lost on an island - everything
about this show is intriguing and keeps you on the edge of ones seat for each
episode. Where I feel the true genius of the show lies is in the character
development - learning about a different character weekly, but only learning
enough to drive your imagination crazy. If the remaining episodes of season
two continues on in the same fashion of season one, this season finale is going
to phenomenal.
- Michael
1. Downfall
A brilliant piece of cinema. The story of Hitler's last days in his bunker in
Berlin told in a humanising light. Bruno Ganz becomes the first actor to play
Hitler in a German language movie as the leading role in such a way that you
feel almost pity for a man normally described as "Pure Evil" as everything goes
to pot around him. The film is amazingly shot, and so well acted that at times
you feel like you are actually in the increasingly frought and panic striken
bunker.
2. Sideways
The best buddy movie/Road trip that I've seen in a long time. The 2 main characters
are brought to life so well by Paul Giamatti and Thomas Hayden Church, who both
produce perfromaces so full of life and character that it makes you want to go
on a vineyard crawl with your uptight and nuerotic buddy.
3. DIG!
Maybe it paints The Brian Jonestown Massacre in a bad light, and maybe it makes
the Dandy Warhols look like a bunch of posuer cunts. Who cares though? This documentry
has to be one of the best band based docs I've seen in a long long time. Watching
the BJM implode time after time as the Dandys stumble from good luck to good
luck shouldn't be entertaining, but with the people involved it becomes almost
impossible not to be drawn in.
4. Batman Begins
Christian Bale IS Batman. Not only did he nail the Batman look so easily but
he brought more to the Bruce Wayne side than anyone since Michael Keaton. The
2 villains didn't get all the screentime like past Batman movies and my God it
was fun.
5. The Descent
The UK has had a long tradition of horror movies dating back to the Hammer
days. Luckily things have improved since the days of Peter Cushing and Christopher
Lee's inspired madness and high campness. The Descent is tight, claustraphobic
sort of horror movie that plays on the setting so well. Only let down by what
can only be described as a shite ending this movie has to be one of the best
British movies for quite some time.
* Released in the UK in 2005
- Peanut
1. Girls Aloud- Long Hot Summer
The first single off of the new album, and what single it was! A great riff allowing
the girls to showcase their brand of innuendo filled one liners that raise the
temperature of every listener. Damn fun to dance to when highly intoxicated as
well.
2. Kanye West- Gold Digger
Many people claim that 50 Cent is the biggest rapper in the game (not his friend)
at the moment. This is pure bollocks- it's quite clearly Kayne. Kayne West ropes
in a Jaime Foxx Ray Charles impression for this amazingly fresh slice off of
Kayne's second album. I wish I was as cool as Kayne.
3. Kelly Clarkson- Since U Been Gone
A-mazing. That's all to be said
4. Arcade Fire- Rebellion (Lies)
A band like this shouldn't be a good singles band. They are the sort of band
that shouldn't make sense in the single form. They are just to crazy whilst building
an album that flows together to make a good sound. Yet through all of this they
managed to do it, they released a single that caught everyone by suprise. Those
that had heard the band before went scurrying to the record collection to listen
to the band again and those that hadn't ended up in a record shop quick smart
asking for "that band that did that crazy song" I just heard on the radio.
5. LCD Soundsystem- Daft Punk Is Playing At My House
Firstly, the best named single of 2005. Secondly a damn fine song.
- Peanut
1. Kelly Clarkson - Since U Been Gone.
Are you sick of this song yet? I don't care. Everything about "Since
U Been Gone" metaphorically turns my metaphorical crank. The lyrics, the
instrumentation, and the production are all perfect. This is indisputable. I
didn't even get a weird look when I bought this album. Yeah, I bought this
album.
2. Gorillaz - Feel Good Inc.
On their second release, the mega alliance finally started writing the songs
that should have been on their debut. What they're capable of is outstanding - dreamy
verses, fucked up rhymes, and oodles of style. Great pop that manages to stand
out and push forward. And the first Ipod commercial that actually made me want
an Ipod.
3. Madonna - Hung Up
Beating the obvious challenges that arise for any forty-seven year
old pop star, Madonna proceeded to pwn most everyone this November. From the
tidy Abba sample to the catchy chorus, "Hung Up" is spotless. She
even plays DDR in the video. When I first heard this song I declared it to be "the
best thing to ever happen to humankind, ever." I was wrong, but only just.
4. Kanye West - Gold Digger
I'm not sure how moral it is to get Jamie Foxx to pretend he's singing
a Ray Charles song, but by now it should be pretty apparent that Kanye doesn't
care about that sort of thing. His adventurous look into the world of prenuptials
and cheatin' skanks was more fun than any of his singles yet. Basically,
if you don't like this song, you don't care about black people.
5. Hilary Duff - Beat of My Heart
Fuck you.
- Giles
1. Five Alive (Citrus)
Five Alive kept me alive in the 'o five. I found its incomparable
blend of citrus products to be perfect, no matter what my mood was. Whether
I was up early in the morning for work, or if I was chilling out at home with
my crew. This was the year that Five Alive truly proved itself to be king of
my personal beverage world. Furthermore, I was extremely disappointed to find
that similarly titled products did not yield the same delicious taste. Sun-Rype's
Hi5, for one. Nice try, assholes.
2. Pepsi (Canned)
Sometime earlier this year I realized that Pepsi is actually
one of the most underrated drinks on the market. This is a travesty. I find
it to be a smoother drink than Coke. Less in your face, but twice as good.
When bottled, the drink loses some flavor. My suggestion: buy a six-pack of
mini cans, and save each one for a different sitting.
3. Orange Julius (Regular)
The Orange Julius is a classic for a reason. Its blend of crushed
ice, oranges, and that secret ingredient was a lifesaver on those rough nights
alone at the mall. While it wasn't the best drink to accompany a meal,
it was the best stand-alone beverage I tasted this year. It's a noble
drink to be enjoyed at a noble pace.
4. Fanta (Orange)
I know what you're thinking. "Giles, enough with
the citrus!!!11" Well, I tell you what. My trip to Europe this year would
only have been half as good if not for all the Fanta I drank. Drinks like Orange
Crush have similar flavors but lack the right kick. And it gets bonus points
for coming in a neat bottle.
5. Chocolate Milk (Nestle)
Nestle Quik not only tastes great on ice cream. It also makes
the most exciting chocolate milk ever. Nothing beats the experience of squirting
some brown gold into a fresh glass of milk, and stirring it up until the color
is just right. Me, I like a darker, richer glass of chocolate milk. But I could
understand someone preferring a lighter blend. Dudes, it's just milk.
- Giles
Despite last
year's predictions, the Mars Volta didn't make this year's list. Not
that their last cover art was anything mindblowing, but the examples of awfulness
given to us this year have been so far beyond the realms of lameness that
it was difficult to narrow it down to just 5 choices. Without further ado:
Andrew
Bird - The Mysterious Production Of Eggs
What the fuck is this? As if the album name itself wasn't strange
enough, in place of cover art we get a drawing that looks like something out
of Dr Seuss.Would you honestly feel all cool and tough buying this at your
local record store? Yeah, I thought not. The clerk would just look at you and
laugh. I mean, come on. It's a green llama with an orange tent on it's back.
Oh, and the tent has earholes. Perhaps in llama fashion circles this is considered
a good look, but I'm not a llama, and presumably neither is most of Andrew
Bird's record buying public, so why the bizarre association? The only other
conclusion I can come to is that Andrew Bird must in fact be a bird, an animal
which is clearly well aware of the developments in mammal boutique fashion.
Coldplay
- X&Y
I dislike Coldplay. It's not because of Chris Martin's Bob Geldof-esque
charity concerns. It's not because Chris Martin named his kid Apple, and somehow
got to bang Gwyneth Paltrow into the bargain. It's not because of Chris Martin.
It's because they're boring. Where's the rock, Coldplay? It makes sense then,
that this album cover is less 'rock' than any record ever released. In fact,
it's difficult to say exactly what this cover is. The scientists amongst us
will no doubt explain that the title X&Y relates to the female and
male chromosomes, and the image on the cover is a digital representation of
a chromosome. To the scientists, I retort: No, the cover image is the personification
of boring. Chromosomes? No, a pixellated rainbow that at certain angles seems
to represent Santa Claus with a multicoloured beard.
Mommy
And Daddy - Duel At Dawn
I've never heard this band, so I'm not sure if the two B-Movie
wannabe figures depicted on the cover are in fact, Mommy and Daddy, or just
two over-acting extras. Either way, a bad Photoshop job teamed up with Microsoft's
WordArt doesn't do much for a cover. And as for the name - where's the fucking
duel? Any readers experienced in the ancient art of duelling will laugh instantly
at the poorly attired figures here. 'Mommy' in particular doesn't look ready
for a duel whatsoever, and in any case, where are the duelling weapons? No
maces, ninja throwing stars, nunchucks or even a broadsword? Lame duel bro.
I'm also not down with the facial expressions. Mommy seems to be giving Daddy
a look that says "Here we go again..", as Daddy stares hauntingly into the
distance, probably seeing his duelling enemy approaching, decked out with weaponry.
Bet ya wish you packed some daggers now instead of a frilly dress and a Coldplay
haircut.
Queens
Of The Stone Age - Lullabies To Paralyze
More WordArt album covers, and a photo that looks like something
out of Are You Afraid Of The Dark? No, I'm not. 0 points for effort.
Sugar
Eater - American Idle
Oh, cute, an American Idol pun! Oh wait, Green Day already
got there. This cover looks like it was whipped up using Microsoft Paint, suggesting
to me that the band themselves sound like a poor man's Green Day. Oh, and the
font of the record name sucks too. I hate to sound like a failed designer,
but the only way it could be worse would be if they'd used Comic
Sans instead. Lastly, it's two thousand and fucking six, nobody has those
TVs with the pointy ariels on top anymore. Get with the program.
Special Mention:
Ian
Brown - The Greatest
When your face resembles a monkey in need of a razor, it's probably
not the best idea to slap it on the front of your record.
Green
Day - Bullet In A Bible
Could they make it any more obvious that the main audience for
this record/DVD is the teenage girl market who are in love with the cute little
boy in eyeliner known as Billie Joe Armstrong? Wait, what? You mean there's
more than 1 member in Green Day?
- Matt
